I’m gonna get me a new job

I may not make it as a novelist, but I can’t imagine not being a writer. So if the novelist thing doesn’t work out, I have a plan. I will apply at Walmart as a technical writer and create an official Walmart code of conduct manual.

For now, I’ll skip all the boring stuff like employee expectations and give you a preview of the good parts, the section dealing with customer conduct during the last two weeks of May.

EVERYBODY knows the last two weeks of May are the most stressful times in a teacher’s life—testing, grading, averaging, sorting, filing, failing, passing, cleaning. It’s nerve racking. For these reasons, Walmart should be especially sensitive to the needs of the stressed-out teacher. Here are a few ideas.

Every customer who enters Walmart during the last two weeks of May should be dutifully informed that the store is most likely packed with intense teachers doing their last-minute, end-of-the-year school shopping.

Therefore, every male customer over six feet tall must agree to never, ever run down the aisles motioning and waving both hands in the air—especially when he is running head on into a short blond female teacher who has no clue who he is.

Granted the man may be trying to get the attention of his wife, who is ten feet behind the teacher, but the man’s actions could lead to an awkward confrontation. Should she be confronted by a large waving man, the frazzled teacner may snap and execute a martial arts take down maneuver. Better hope she’s not packing. There are those who do.

Keeping in mind the highly agitated state of these teachers, Walmart shelf stockers should make readily available only the most fattening, high calorie, sugar-laden snack foods, especially chocolate. Under no circumstance should they ever place the 100-calorie snack items within reach of a frazzled teacher because once the teacher sees just how few chips or nuts are in the pre-packaged 100-calorie snack bags, she will immediately resort to her math skills—even if she is an English teacher—and calculate how many hundreds of calories she consumed earlier that morning after receiving one more memo about something else to do.

Of course, there is the possibility of a positive outcome here. Once the teacher makes the realization that she has already consumed her allotted calorie intake for the next two weeks, she may then resort to violence and clear the shelves, making the job easier for the next guy to stock the shelves with the most fattening, high calorie, sugar-laden snack foods.

Keeping with the weight theme…the Walmart greeter should confiscate the cell phone of every frazzled female teacher entering the store so that she does not get a call from home that says, “Hey, the dogs are out of chow. Can you pick up one of those mega-pound bags of dog food, you know, the ones that are literally over half your size?”

If the phone is not confiscated and the teacher receives such a call, she may then attempt to load the dog food into her own cart without any help. In frustration, she may look for the actual weight of the said dog food bag and discover that it is only 15.5 pounds, which ironically is quite close to the number of pounds she would like to lose this summer.

As these events unfold, the teacher will then drift off to a dream world and picture herself with a 15-pound bag of dog food strapped around her belly. She will then fall into a deep funk, which could result in danger to the well-being of the individual(s) who called her and asked her to bring home the dog food in the first place.

During the last two weeks of May, Walmart should hire a special alert team for parking lot patrol. They should be on the look out for any customer with a weird ring tone: laughing cats, singing chickens, rapping babies, rambling auctioneers, and halleluiah choirs.

After hearing the ringtone and then realizing the rapture hasn’t come, the teacher may forget where she is and yank that bad boy cell phone out of the other customer’s hands, pull out her yellow referrall form to write him up, and remind him he can pick up his phone in the office at the end of a day.

It could get ugly.

So…what do you think? Do I have a future with Walmart? Or should I keep on plugging away at my writing dream?

17 thoughts on “I’m gonna get me a new job

  1. Yes, you definitely would have a good and exciting future in Walmart. And with all these published and not-published ideas you will definitely rock, my suggestion would be to provide some offers for other persons and for male teachers too 

    • You are right. I need to consider the male perspective. Thing is, I just haven’t seen them get too spazzed out. But I will purposefully watch them and see what I come up with. 🙂

  2. I think either way the public will be blessed by your brilliant mind… however if you decide to go for the Walmart option will you also do a manual for new or first time mothers and how it doesn’t help that when you are going in with a screaming baby looking for pacis, diapers, food, or anything infant related to have to wallk all the way to the back of the store with everbody looking at you like you are bad parent of the year? LOL Hope you find a good way to relax and enjoy your summer vacay! 🙂 Just remember: STARBUCKS, STARBUCKS, STARBUCKS!!!

    • Oh yeahhhhhh! Coffee. MUST have coffee. Hey, maybe you and I could go into the Walmart Conduct Code writing business together. We might make a fortune!

  3. The part about the weird ringtones in the parking lot literally cracked me up! You could always be the Wal-Mart greeter and change up the greetings. Instead of the usual “hello, how are you, good morning, have a great night” you could opt for “Red is my favorite color, jellyfish bites STING, burritos with cheese are yummy, i like your pjs that you are wearing in public, or maybe even throw in an “aint it a purty day?”…:) P.S- I have been reading Plath’s Unabridged Journals that my wonderful Mom got me for my birthday and she has really inspired me to get out my old notebooks. Does reading any of your old stuff ever scare you?! You know, takes you back to that exact time and force you to feel those same feelings? Just wondering and don’t forget to compliment all of your customers on their sweats and pajamas. That should SERIOUSLY be in the code of conduct. Love, H.

    • Walmart greeter I shall be. My teaching days are numbered, so I need to find a job after my retirement. Maybe I should change things up a bit. Maybe speak in gangsta slang. That way I’d keep my creativity fresh. Yo?

  4. Those are great! You might add one about a special WM team that will watch for teachers wandering the aisles aimlessly, or motionless in front of a display of pens – or suntan lotion. These could be signs of reality detachment.

  5. Yes. I think you and I should tag team. Instead of being greeters, we can be the Alert Team. We could drive one of those buggies and load up the “detached” teachers and take them back to reality.

  6. This was so hysterically funny! Whenever my husband goes to Walmart, he calls it his “drag me to hell” experience. I can really relate to the stress and exhaustion from shopping. One day after a particularly grueling shift in ICU, a checker from Walmart complimented me on the ‘pin’ I was wearing. I looked down and saw it was a mucus plug of the patient I suctioned before the end of shift!

  7. Yes. Stressed out end of May teachers. I know one, me. Done for now,w00t! You tweeted insider locales for #bonnaroo. I’m working/volunteering there and will be at the high school 10 o-clock-ish to check in and then wait around the rest of the day to caravan in with the crew. Where should we eat lunch, buy knickknacks, prop up in the shade? Thanks for your info. Maybe will see you in the crowd and wave. ~@jerrygriffies (twitter) jmgriffies at gmail

  8. Hey Jerry,

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. And thanks for asking about Bonnaroo week. I live here, so maybe I can help. You’ll be visitng the high school where I teach.

    If you want some good country short order cooking, go to Jiffy Burger. There’s a health food store with organic foods called the HealthNutt on the square. Just off the square is a restaurant, Patch Manor, with country cooking that’s CHEAP for what you get–about $6 a plate. The atmosphere is like a tea room, but the food is great. If you like Chinese, try Hunan for lunch. I love Mexican food. We have three Mexican restaurants, all good. My favorite is El Portillo (not sure of the spelling).

    I play guitar, and I like to take mine wherever I go. If you are in need of strings, picks, or cables, go to Family Music Center. I take lessons there. They have jam nights there every week and will be having jam nights every night of Bonnaroo too. It’s near our post office. You can also pick up other music things at KK’s Pawn Shop.

    We have a Starbucks at Ext 114. We also have a quaint little coffee shop on the square called The Brew. I highly recomment the Wild Tribe Moka if you like cold coffee drinks.

    If you need a break to relax in the shade, go to Old Stone Fort. It’s a national park with hiking trails, camping area, and a picnic area.

    We also have Walmart. You’ll see a lot of the Bonnaroo folk camped out there prior to the opening of the festival.

    I’m so glad you stopped by the blog. I’ll be at Bonnaroo too. If you have Internet access, shoot me an email or a note on the blog when you get to town. I’d be glad to answer any other questions. Hope this helps!

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